Whoa
I just re-read my post from Wednesday, and it sounds really depressive. The truth is it wasn't so much depressive, it just hit home. People do seem to resent others "wanting to fly" and it is easier to live in the dark than finding out if you're sighted or you're blind. Because then you have to take responsibility for how and who you are, which is probably harder than saying "I can't do this, because I live in the dark".
Well I lived in a constant "I don't have any friends, noone loves me and I think I'll go and eat worms" kind of attitude since before Christmas and it seems like I am finally snapping out of it. Hoorah for that. And Hoorah for God. Because at least he didn't get fed up at my constant whining. I learnt a lot through this period, not least that God is there, no matter what (obvious? Maybe, but the head-to-heart distance still IS the longest in the world) and that my true friends are also there no matter what. So to all my true friends: thank you and I love you!
I heard it on the radio...
They say you are foolish
In wanting the sun
Say you are selfish
In learning to run
Tell you that the darkness
Is a blessing in disguise
For you never have to notice
If you're sighted or you're blind
And they'll do their best
To keep you from the light
Those people who surround you only
Want to see you weak enough to crawl
They'll lie for you, decide for you
And buy up all your rights and all your wrongs
You're more than beginning
You're learning to fly
You feel like you're falling
But it passes in time
I hate to see a friend go down
In flames without a song
So I'm waiting by the doorway
But I will not linger long.
(taken from Janis Ian, From Me to You)
Motives
I wonder about motives. What makes people do what they do? For example, me, why do I like the teaching ministry? Do I like it because I can pass on God’s truths to people or do I like it because it puts the spotlight on me for a little while? Because it makes me look important? Because it gives me status? And when does that start to become a negative motive rather than something that contributes to the fun aspect of it?
And whilst we’re at it - why do I want to offer for ordination in the CofE? Status? Or a genuine desire to serve God? Would I be as cheerfully serving if God had called me to be the cleaner in my church? And, again, where does this become a negative? I mean, this is what God made me - he made me to be a leader. He made me to be good at teaching. So it’s only natural that I enjoy doing what I'm good at. But where does it stop being a genuine rejoicing in being in the right place doing what God has called me to do and become something more sinister?
It becomes something sinister when I take my eyes off God and on the achievements. When I rejoice more in the praise of men than in the approval of God. And I used the word “when” rather than “if” because it is bound to happen. As soon as pride comes in and as soon as God becomes the secondary motive, my heart gets mixed up and I take my eyes of the One who really matters and put them onto other things. Until, thankfully, God draws me back by His amazing grace, mercy and patience, to sit at his feet and receive the only thing that matters - His approval, and His love.
Down with the Yorkists!!
"Join the Kingmaker's household as the Earl's loyal followers prepare for battle by celebrating the occasion in spectacular glory.
Extra places are set at the Castle's Earl's table, where you can take your place alongside the Earl's great army for an evening of merriment, delicious food and free flowing wine and beer.
The year is 1471 and you are preparing to face the Yorkists in the morrow's battle for supremacy. The evening begins when you are led into 'Kingmaker' where Richard Neville, Earl of Warwick and his busy household are making last minute preparations for battle. See the Blacksmith hard at work forging new shoes for the Earl's warhorse, walk through the Carpenter's workshop and see the Seamstresses at work."
Richard Neville, Kingmaker, was our host on Saturday. We were preparing to do battle with the Yorkist army (can I hear a booooohhhh!!! Hisss!!!!) at the side of the Lancastarians. But before the bloody battle began, we had an evening of feasting and merrimaking.
This was our Christmas do with Toshiba at Warwick Castle - complete in medieval garb, toasts to the King, chicken to be eaten with your fingers and a "bow your head for a prayer before the meal". The whole evening was fantastic - very surreal, to be surrounded by about 150 people in medieval costumes (men in tights!!) and to have bards singing tales. It was set in the Great Hall, on long wooden tables, by the light of candles.
After that, it was back to the hotel. Incidentally, the breakfast the next morning was amazing. So much food. Everything you could wish for, literally. Then we popped into Stratford upon Avon, had a look at Shakespeare's birthhouse and the River Avon. It was freezing cold mind you, so we didn't stay long. Then back home. All in all, an unforgettable experience. Photos to follow - if I can arrange it.
Work work work
I just spent three days at work doing quotes. And quotes. Oh and did I mention quotes? How come that, when you set out to do a particular job, the world seems to conspire to keep you from doing it? I've never had so many queries, important and silly, as i've had over these last three days. Very annoying.
But I did get a good chunk of the work done, so I shouldn't complain. Other than that, not much going on.
Oh I am studying "the Kingdom of God" in my course. So, what do people think the Kingdom of God is? Leave a comment!
Hoorah!
It's over. And it went really well actually. Gratifyingly, after the excercise at the end, there were a few tears with people here and there. Result! :-D
I know, I shouldn't be looking for anything like that, just trust that God is working even if I can't see it, but hey, I'm only human. So it went really well, even though it really does not resemble the original teaching much anymore, apart from the four keys. Never mind, it seems to work.
Well today I went to another church than my beloved St Andrews. I went to St John's and had the joy of taking part in the sung Eucharist. Yes, you heard right. The things you do for love (for God). Seeing that he seems to be really serious about calling me into the Anglican tradition, I need to learn a bit about the whole expression of the Anglican communion (or so my Vocations Consultant says). I must admit (publicly) that I was amazed when I first started going to other churches. I might be stating the obvious here, but actually, God was there, too! Ok I just re-read it and I AM stating the obvious. But do you know what I mean? You go to a church for years and years and get used to a style of worship because it suits you, and you start thinking that you won't encounter God in any other way. Or at least that's what I was thinking. And then you go somewhere that's totally opposite of what you are used to (and let's face it, a sung Eucharist is probably as far away from my experience as Timbuktu is from England) and you discover that God speaks to you through that as well - sometimes even more powerfully simply because of the surprise effect.
So here I am, having been struggling for a little while with the idea of "calling". What is a calling, how do you define calling and why would I be called as opposed to others? At the same time I'm struggling to spend any significant time with God - seems to me like I'm avoiding it at all costs, although why is a bit of a mystery. Well the sermon at this church this morning was all about calling - we all have a calling to discipleship. And first and foremost, our calling is to intimacy with God and a love relationship with him. Everything else will proceed out of that. I sat in my pew (and it was a *real* pew!) and was crying. God SO knew I had to hear that!
A common theme
Well there seems to be a common theme developing here. Tomorrow morning I am teaching - yes you guessed it - Communion with God (or what I made of it). I was obliged to turn three days' worth of teaching into 45 minutes, including 10 minutes activation. Interesting challenge but I think I did it. Only it hardly bears any resemblance to our original teaching from CWG ministries anymore...
I am starting to think whether I really want a life like this - living on adrenalin from one day to the next due to impossible deadlines and teaching arrangements. And seeing that I am the type of person who doesn't work unless they are under pressure, things get done at the last minute. Usually done well but still, it brings with it a lot of pressure. All self-imposed of course.
Oh and Betsy - thanks very much for the list of suggestions on what to do in the next 20 months (everyone else see the last post's comments) but I think I turn down the largest Lego structure in the world....as well as patience, waiting and chilling. Wait - chilling wasn't in it. Never mind. Everyone else always tells me to chill. Wonder why?
Hearing God's Voice
Why is it that everyone says things get easier the more often you do them? I have lost count of how often I taught Communion with God, but it doesn't get easier, it blinking gets harder!!
Now I taught it at my homegroup last night (post Alpha group, wildly mixed types of people....) and I could feel the waves of disapproval coming from 3 - 4 members of my little group. Add to that the fact that I had to split it in two, as one cell group evening is really not long enough to teach it, and it was a harrowing experience. In fact, I stopped the whole proceedings about halfway through and said to them "Look, I know this is stretching you - I was sitting where you are now a little over a year ago - all I ask is that you keep an open mind."
For the first time since I've been teaching this, I kept on apologising for the concept until I distinctly "heard God's voice" (*grins*) telling me to stop apologising and get on with the job. So I did. Noone can tell me I'm not being obedient. It went a bit better after that, as I suddenly understood that I was more worried about what the group thought of me than what God thought of me (duh!) but I'm not convinced that they'll come back next time.
And whilst we're on the subject, seeing that I love teaching this so much, I'm going to be teaching it on our Prayer Ministry Training Day on Saturday too. Oh Joy.
In other news, I went to see my Vocations Consultant on Monday. That's the guy who is meant to be "walking alongside me on my path of discernment" for CofE selection. He informed me that he thought I would have to come to terms with the fact that I might not get into college this academic year (starting this September), but might have to wait until next year. So another year of in-betweens. Maybe I have to seriously start looking at the concept of "active waiting". Passive waiting is becoming too draining. So I'd value prayers for a meeting that will be set up between me and the DDO (yes, more cryptic words - he's the Diocesan Director of Ordinands - the guy who makes the decision whether or not to send me to a selection conference. Or even when to send me to a selection conference. All very complicated). That meeting will be in February and will more or less decide whether it's going to be this or next academic year.
So - any ideas what to do in the next 20 months? Suggestions on a postcard. :-D
What's a blog?
Three (!) people have asked me this now. Well for your benefit: a blog is therapy. A blog is somewhere where you can indulge your voyeuristic tendencies (as a blog reader) and let your innermost secrets hang out for the world to read, if you so choose (as a blogger).
"Blog" is short for "weblog" - sort of like an online journal that you can share with your friends so they can see what you're up to. It's an easy way to stay in touch with people from all over the world.
Clever? I think so. Seeing that I am pathologically bad at returning or writing emails (usually), this is the ready made excuse for me. So if you want to stay in touch, leave lots and lots of comments. Or talk to me on Messenger. Either AOL or MSN. Yes I know I know - MSN and Mac don't really go together but that's where my biggest buddy list is. And Trillian is not available for Mac download (yet). Do something about it Alyn! :-)
Welcome!!!
So now I've joined the ever growing blogging community. Scary!! I vowed I'd never do this. Do I get the official nerd badge now?
I thought that, seeing I joined the nerd club already by buying a Powerbook G4 for Christmas, I would complete the picture by starting a blog.
More soon - watch this space!!
